November 17, 2018
I heard something on the radio this morning saying that life isn’t necessarily about feeling happy, it’s about feeling content. And I have not felt content since being in the wilderness on my 15-day canoe trip. I’ve felt happy, I’ve felt sad, and everything in between, but when was the last time I was okay with where I am without hoping for anything more?
I have never really been content with myself. It started with the insecurities surrounding my looks, which are definitely still there, but lately I have been feeling insecure about my personality and my lifestyle. I never feel that I am enough. When I do anything, I always beat myself up for how it could have been better. My brain is all or nothing, black and white. I haven’t written in so long because I haven’t had the perfect thing to write about. I barely do anything anymore because it’s never enough. I always wish I was better at living than I am. I tend to believe there’s nothing special about me. Yes, I am a deep thinker, but that attribute has made my life complicated and has pushed away friendships and my youth. My life is full of wishes, but it feels as though my wishes never come true. I wish I was talented. I wish I had better grades. I wish I was a more likeable person. I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish I was prettier. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more chill. I wish I could just stop wishing.
Last year at this time I spent my time dreaming of senior girl summer. I facetimed my friends every day and had hope that this summer was going to be the best one yet. I spent 50% of my time replaying memories of the previous summer over and over again, and the other 50% dreaming about the summer that was to come. However, before camp I fell into a deep depression, and camp did not fully eliminate these feelings. There were many times at camp full of insecurity and sadness, and usually, those are the feelings that going to camp replaces with confidence and joy. I hated that I wasn’t enjoying it, for I had literally spent my entire year anticipating this summer. I did go on a 15-day canoe trip, which was an incredible experience. I was away from all the boy and girl drama in the middle of the woods with 8 other people. I don’t remember another time where my anxiety levels were that low.
I always thought of camp as my getaway, the place I could go to escape the troubles of the city. These feelings have changed however now that I’ve developed challenges that go everywhere with me, and it’s difficult for me to accept that. Since I was seven years old I have spent my years using camp as my motivation to get through my school work or a tough week. I have always lived in the past or the future. I believe that the decline in my camp obsession is forcing me to live in the present, and that’s why it feels so weird. I am not obsessing over going to camp this summer, so my thoughts have a lot more room for other things. It’s actually kind of scary.
My life is layers of distractions. My extreme desire to do well in school distracts me from what I truly enjoy doing. So, take away all of my homework, and I’m sitting in in my room not knowing what to do. My obsessions take over my mind and creativity. So, take away ruminating thoughts about camp, and my mind in quite blank. I am okay. I have been much much worse. I am overall happy. I am healthy. But that’s not enough for me because I always need more. I always feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I look around and teenagers are involved and aware of their interests while genuinely I have no idea, for my mind is full of distractions.
So how do I end this rant? I don’t know. There are times in my life where I have questions, and other times where I have answers. I started this blog because I had found so many answers over that year. Right now I don’t have the answers for how to fix everything or how to deal with my feelings, and that’s why it’s been so long since I’ve last written a blog. So I guess I’ll just keep living and learning in order to seek the for the answers I need.
Journey to Jillian 