Thoughts at 2am

Who am I?
What is this thing called life?
And am I doing it right?
These questions are the cause for all of my life’s challenges.

I often get this tense feeling in my chest, and it almost feels like it is in my heart; my soul. I get into loops with people where I will keep finding a reason to be mad at them when they don’t have the answers I am looking for, and I get into loops of negativity when I am stressed or worried due to any feeling or uncertainty I experience.

It’s difficult for me to just go along with life without all of the answers in front of me. I think this is why I get frusturated with certain tasks, such as my homework and other things that I don’t understand right away. I feel desperate to know the answers to everything so that I can feel secure with myself and my life.
Well, I guess I have to remember that in life we are not always given the answers. Instead, we are given questions, and these questions are what lead us to live our lives. We actually have to go and search for the answers, which can bring us to important life experiences.

 
Which leads me back to the question…who am I?
And this question drives me INSANE.

 
I doubt anyone my age fully knows who they are, but the difference with me is that I don’t know how to be fake. I don’t know how to fake that I am all of the good qualities someone would look for in a good person, and I don’t know how to fake confidence or perfection or happiness.

However, this does not mean I am great at showing everyone who I am. I am bad at faking, but I am also bad at expressing. I don’t express the most important qualities of me to most people. I struggle to show that I am open-minded, extremely sensitive, and wise about certain things.

This is why I come off as an awkward freak. Because I don’t know how to fake that I know the answers, and I don’t know how to share the answers I’ve found.

Many think I am a funny person. I am always making fun of myself, and I kind of tease myself, probably for the fear that someone else will do it first.

I really am not like this though. Maybe “funny” is one of my qualities, but I am actually down to earth, insightful, and extremely sensitive towards others.

But am I?
I feel like I need to know the answers.
I don’t know what I want to do when I’m older, and I just don’t know why I was put on this planet.
BUT I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO KNOW!!
It feels like a rush of anxiety throughout my whole body when I don’t know the answers, but then again, how would I live if I was given all of the answers?

Well, I am learning new things about myself everyday. I am slowly putting the pieces together.

I hope I get to meet all of Jillian soon, and I hope that I can learn to love her for exactly who she is.