Thoughts at 2am

Who am I?
What is this thing called life?
And am I doing it right?
These questions are the cause for all of my life’s challenges.

I often get this tense feeling in my chest, and it almost feels like it is in my heart; my soul. I get into loops with people where I will keep finding a reason to be mad at them when they don’t have the answers I am looking for, and I get into loops of negativity when I am stressed or worried due to any feeling or uncertainty I experience.

It’s difficult for me to just go along with life without all of the answers in front of me. I think this is why I get frusturated with certain tasks, such as my homework and other things that I don’t understand right away. I feel desperate to know the answers to everything so that I can feel secure with myself and my life.
Well, I guess I have to remember that in life we are not always given the answers. Instead, we are given questions, and these questions are what lead us to live our lives. We actually have to go and search for the answers, which can bring us to important life experiences.

 
Which leads me back to the question…who am I?
And this question drives me INSANE.

 
I doubt anyone my age fully knows who they are, but the difference with me is that I don’t know how to be fake. I don’t know how to fake that I am all of the good qualities someone would look for in a good person, and I don’t know how to fake confidence or perfection or happiness.

However, this does not mean I am great at showing everyone who I am. I am bad at faking, but I am also bad at expressing. I don’t express the most important qualities of me to most people. I struggle to show that I am open-minded, extremely sensitive, and wise about certain things.

This is why I come off as an awkward freak. Because I don’t know how to fake that I know the answers, and I don’t know how to share the answers I’ve found.

Many think I am a funny person. I am always making fun of myself, and I kind of tease myself, probably for the fear that someone else will do it first.

I really am not like this though. Maybe “funny” is one of my qualities, but I am actually down to earth, insightful, and extremely sensitive towards others.

But am I?
I feel like I need to know the answers.
I don’t know what I want to do when I’m older, and I just don’t know why I was put on this planet.
BUT I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO KNOW!!
It feels like a rush of anxiety throughout my whole body when I don’t know the answers, but then again, how would I live if I was given all of the answers?

Well, I am learning new things about myself everyday. I am slowly putting the pieces together.

I hope I get to meet all of Jillian soon, and I hope that I can learn to love her for exactly who she is.

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Author: journeytojillianblog

Jillian. 14. 8th Grade. Confused. Searching. Writing my way through.

10 thoughts on “Thoughts at 2am”

  1. Hi Jillian, I love readind your blog! It’s so honest. To be so in touch with your feelings at such a young age is so amazing! Whatever you end up doing and whoever you become I’m sure your going to be wildly successful because you are being true to your authentic self. Enjoy the journey and keep writing!

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  2. Jillian, I can’t help but notice that you are an intelligent young lady. I would like to give you some advice. Not all answers or insights to the questions that you ask will be found inside of your head, through your mind. Many insights were meant to be found in your heart, and also in your gut. Many adults cannot tell you the answers to the questions that you have; adults are primarily stuck and focused up in their heads! They are not looking inside their own hearts and guts for a good answer to your questions. Remember that you have been given all of the intelligence that you will ever need; its just that a portion of your intelligence is found in your head, and the rest of it will be found hidden inside your body- heart and gut. So try looking there for your answers, and take some notes. That is how you will begin to explore and to find out who you really are deep inside. And the reason you are not expressing your most important qualities to people might be that you may be introverted; this has also been my experience. You sound just like me when I was 17. You sound like maybe you are a highly sensitive person- HSP, like me. Do not feel ashamed about being introverted and being a HSP. HSP’s and introverts have a lot to offer the world. Also you have a gift of humor so you should try to make the best use of humor whenever you can and to develop it so that you can support your sensitivities. Maybe you can learn how to laugh at some little things, and that will help your have a greater perspective. Laughing expands your perspective so that things won’t get you down as much. You anxiety does not come from not knowing enough. You anxiety comes from fear of death- it is a basic death anxiety that we all have since we were around 6 years old. Don’t let your anxiety (fear of death) tell you that you need to learn more, study more, and know things, in order to feel secure in life! Your anxiety will do exactly that, and it will control you and make you believe you have to keep consuming more knowledge and information in order to feel secure again. It will be a never-ending loop of suffering all your life. I know from my own experience. Instead of consuming knowledge in order to feel more secure, go out and live your life to the fullest, challenge your dreams, catch your dreams. Then you will be beating the death anxiety at it’s own game- hands down. Learn to live in the present moment, live life in the now, practice mindfulness meditation and mindfulness walking meditation, and it will teach you how to live your life to the fullest. This will center you and be a grounding exercise so that you will feel supported and secure in your life and able to live your life to the fullest.

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    1. Wow, thank you so much. All of your insights sound completely accurate. I have HSP, I am an introvert, and I do have a fear of death which makes me want to know things when I should really be living my life. I really appreciate this. Thank you.

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